So, you’ve been eating and exercising well … Then, after a rough day at work, you over-indulge.
At this point, there are two ways to talk to yourself:
“I’m a lazy failure. There’s no point continuing with this healthy lifestyle because I can’t stick to anything.”
“Oh well, I’m only human, and none of us is perfect all the time.”
Of course, the second response is the correct – self-compassionate – one. But what’s obvious in theory doesn’t always translate to reality.
As clinical psychologist Jo Lamble explains, “If someone is not self-compassionate, they feel like a failure most of the time. They are hard on themselves if they make a mistake or put on weight. They can’t see their strengths, only faults. They are pessimistic about their chances of success and fear becoming self-indulgent.”
This is a common approach in our competitive society. We think we can bully or shame ourselves into this change. This all-or-nothing approach usually backfires spectacularly.
Do you ignore your pain in a difficult situation and focus only on ‘fixing’ yourself? If the answer is yes, it’s time to try a different course of action: self-compassion.
What is self-compassion?
Jo describes it as “caring about yourself and being kind to yourself. Often those who are compassionate and non-judgmental towards others are hard on themselves. If we were all as kind to ourselves as we are to others, we would have lower rates of depression and anxiety.”
When you have compassion for others you notice their suffering, you understand when they make mistakes, rather than judging them. Self-compassion involves acting the same way towards yourself. So, instead of ignoring your pain, you recognise it and ask yourself: “How can I be compassionate towards myself?”
Fiona Cosgrove, managing director of Wellness Coaching Australia and general manager of The Golden Door, adds: “We live fast-paced lives that are measured by how well we compare with others. Self-compassion involves letting go of self-defeating judgments which arise when we fail to live up to exacting standards, often set by others.”
Self-compassionate people recognise that being imperfect is human. Of course, you can still aim to change negative behaviours, but you do it because you care about yourself, not because you are unacceptable as you are.
What does self-compassion have to do with health?
Jo explains: “If you care about yourself, you will treat your body with respect. You will want to have a healthy diet and you’ll see the need to exercise. But you will also know that it’s okay to have treats in moderation and you will be less vulnerable to comfort eating.”
Those who have no self-compassion try to deprive themselves, relying on willpower and self-discipline – setting themselves up to fail and binge on ‘bad’ foods.
“Food can be a reward or punishment,” adds Fiona. “Our weight can be tied in with our sense of self worth. If we do not have self-compassion, we may feel we are not worthy of many things – one of them having a healthy body – so we punish ourselves with food and becoming overweight. In other cases, when we feel low and have judged ourselves harshly, we turn to food for comfort, to ease the pain of having failed (ourselves) again.”
How to practice self-compassion
“Pretend you are advising a friend – your inner self,” says Jo. “How would you describe your strengths and weaknesses if you were on the outside looking in? How would you advise your friend on how to cope with setbacks and mistakes? Remember that by caring about yourself you aren’t being selfish or self-indulgent. If you’re compassionate towards yourself, you’ll be more likely to remain in a healthy weight range and be better able to handle challenges.”
Reach out to friends on the forums
Fiona advises, “Too often we carry a burden of guilt over not having lived up to others’ expectations, or an idea of what a ‘perfect’ life should consist of. Come up with a statement that expresses what you want from life. By identifying your values, you can then choose your behaviours and habits. You then know you’ve chosen this lifestyle; it is not based on someone else’s ideas. If you can learn this self-compassion it is a very valuable skill.”
Of course, it’s important that don’t criticise yourself for not having enough self-compassion! Recognise how difficult it is to be imperfect in today’s modern world, consider how you would feel if you could accept yourself as you are, and reap the health benefits of being self-compassionate.
What self-compassion is not ...
Self-pity: becoming immersed in, and exaggerating, your problems and forgetting that others are also in the same boat.
Self-indulgence: letting yourself get away with anything! Being self-compassionate means treating yourself kindly; being self-indulgent (over-eating, watching TV rather than exercising) is counterproductive to this goal.
Self-esteem: our sense of self-worth. In our society, self-esteem is often based on our successes (and failures) and how ‘special’ we seem in relation to others. Self-compassion isn’t dependent on external factors or based on your ‘value’.